The popular word for this is called C-E-L-I-B-A-C-Y. Meanwhile, I prefer to call it ‘Purity Journey’ or ‘Road to Purity’ because I think people see celibacy as not getting the sex when it should actually be you starving yourself from the sex. Not getting sex is different from having it right on your table and sternly telling it, “I Don’t Want!”
Like every road on the streets, there are; potholes, bumps, sharp turns, sometimes narrow, other times wider and smooth. And like every journey in life, there are; self-discoveries, sense of self-worth, chills, thrills, challenges, obstacles, regression, progression, time to reflect, refuel, etc. All of these descriptions and more is exactly how my journey to staying pure have been. No lies, it’s been a struggle, but I have a spirit-man that is constantly awakening my soul to do better.
My decision to staying pure was made after I broke up in August 2016 with my first boyfriend of few years. I had come to the full realization that sex does not necessarily sustain a relationship like many people believe or would say. Not that we didn’t possess other qualities to keep the relationship fire burning, however sex was part of what kept us going, since we were in a distant relationship. I made the decision when I told my mom that we broke up. I had called my mom to let her what happened, and she asked me to come home.
Mom: these things happen but it will get better.
Me: *crying* but I love him. This isn’t fair. I was really hoping he’d be the only one i would have to love all my life.
Mom: well, it will be alright. I hope you weren’t sexually active with him?.
Me: *in my head* ‘we have been together for too long for you to think we haven’t been having sex. With my head bowed; yes, I have been having sex with him .
My mom so disappointed and furious yet trying to be calm because she didn’t want to be insensitive to the pain I was feeling at that moment.
Mom: And you didn’t tell me. Are you serious? Why would you have sex with a man you are not married to. With all the life lessons I have shared with you. You don’t need to look far to know all of this, a lot have happened to people around you and that’s where you should be learning from. Well, you will be alright…
At midnight, I heard my mom crying while she was praying and asking God to forgive her for not raising me right. I could not comprehend it. Why is she crying? Why is she the one asking God for forgiveness? Why does she think she didn’t raise me right because I had sex? It was this event that led me into making a ‘so-called promise’ to myself. A promise I have not genuinely upheld. I have found myself in different compromising situations, trying to work or build a relationship just because I was not true to myself or my promise. Now, that I’m genuinely waiting, I’m learning that it is easy to dwell on the loneliness when you are trying to honor the gift of sex and wait until marriage. But I know that the worst loneliness lies in the aftermath of compromise.
Here are my Tobi’s nuggets; if you have not been deflowered and you genuinely want to wait, do not let anyone compel you into giving it up (I’m referring to both my ladies and gents). I know virgins of both genders, some who are close relations. For those who are actively sexual, please use protections. As an epidemiologist, I like to over emphasize the use of protections. Keep your condoms in your wallets! Now, if you have given it up at one point or the other and you’re thinking of ‘reclaiming’ it and want to wait just like me. I’d like you to know it can be difficult but achievable, you just have to be determined to be governed by your VALUES, not your heart.
Purity has values!!!
And here is how I try to remind myself that the journey is worth it. I always remember that, my road to purity;
- Is a process, because I still mess up and have to get back on track…
- Is governed by its values or I might forget that I have a promise to keep to myself (it is very important to maintain some mystique!).
- Allows me to dream of the future, because it will keep my marriage fresh. (I have a desire to be married one day). I dream about my marriage and that keeps me falling in love with ‘my life partner I’m yet to meet’ or maybe we have met, and I don’t know.
- Speaks boldly so that I can keep my life partner on track spiritually while he does the same for me.
- Watches burning flames. My mom is my favorite burning flame. She has been faithful to me and has helped me to make right choices throughout my life’s journey.
- Embraces wise guidance because I am still learning who I am through my singleness and how that fits into who my life partner is.
- Helps me to love my creator at all cost. My road to purity is a covenant relationship with God. My faithfulness to God is a portrait of what my faithfulness will be to my life partner.
Let it be known that I don’t led a perfect life. However, my spiritual motto is “my sins are great, but His love is GREATER”. So, what can separate me from the love of Christ? NOTHING